Boris Johnson living in past after announcing £16b hike in UK defence budget

Don’t you already feel it? You must do.

Following the announcement of a £16billion hike in the UK’s defence budget earlier this week, haven’t you been walking around with more of a spring in your step, with your head held just a little higher?

Haven’t you been feeling even just a tiny bit harder, tougher, knowing that Britain is going to be restored to its rightful place as “the foremost naval power in Europe ”?

Haven’t you suddenly found yourself eyeing up anyone who looks a bit foreign, a bit dangerous, and growling at them as if to say, ‘Come on then. Come ahead – square go.’

You haven’t? What’s wrong with you? Our Prime Minister said that the biggest defence spending increase in a generation is going to “boost our place in the world”.

Like the rest of his party and many of the fine patriots who voted for him, is still living in the 70s. The 1870s.

When the sun never set over the Empire and half the map of the world was pink and Britannia ruled the waves and sea power was everything.

Don’t listen to those idiots telling you that nowadays we’re as likely to have to repel a Martian invasion as we are a sea-borne one.

Get with the programme – rum, sodomy and the lash all the way.

Or maybe you’re one of those dangerous lefties who thinks there are better things to be spending £16billion on right now. You might be thinking, ‘Hang on.

Just a few weeks ago, the Tories were voting against providing free school meals for poor children because it was going to cost something like £20million a week and where was the money going to come from?’

Of course there isn’t the cash for that kind of rubbish.

Hungry British children aren’t about to launch an armada against our shores, are they?

No. But, umm, Iran might. Shut up – they totally might.

I mean, you’d think there was a pandemic levelling the economy or something.

Or that we were about to come crashing out of the European Union with no trade deal and potentially devastating financial consequences.

You’re probably even worried that thousands of small businesses could be on the verge
of collapse. Well, you just haven’t thought this through, have you?

Johnson has. His spending plans will create “hundreds of thousands of new jobs”. In the military.

That’s right – stop sitting around crying because your boutique business importing vintage Italian furniture is going to collapse under the weight of new taxes.

(And the fact that your vintage furniture will be spending a few months in a lorry park in Kent on its way to you.)

So you used to be an indie-rock musician who made a decent living touring Europe.

That’s over now.

You’ll be 65 before you’re done filling out the forms needed to travel through three different countries.

Wake up and smell the future.

You’re joining the Navy.

Ah it’s the good life. Let’s face it, young people today have got too bloody soft, sitting around munching avocado on toast and sipping their orange mocha frappuccinos.

What they need to be doing is standing proudly on the deck of a sparkling new Great British billion-pound destroyer (ironically about the same as a hospital costs) as it bears down on a dinghy full of migrants in the channel.

That’ll make a man of you.

So come on. Stand up at your window and face towards Westminster.

Raise your arm in proud salute as you join me in a rousing chorus of Rule Britannia. Because Britons “never, never, ever shall be slaves”.

We might be the laughing stock of Europe.

We might have children who never get a decent meal.

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We might be spending years locked up in our homes because many of us are too freedom-loving to wear a mask.

But we’ll never be slaves.

No way.

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